The Show: Narutard of Doom!
by Emby
Summary: New short chappie and on temp hiatus. Sorry!
1. Emby's Back, Back Again!

**Good evening, ladies and gents.**

**It was a dark and stormy night-**

**(Or a sunny afternoon, whichever you prefer)**

**-When your beloved author decided that her fans could wait no longer, and that she must turn over a new, wonderful leaf!**

**In other words…**

**-ah hem-**

**DRUMROLL FOR THE NEXT STUPIDEST THING SINCE FRUITS BASKET: THE SHOW….**

**THE SHOW: NAURTO OF DOOM!**

**-coughing wildly-**

**All rights reserved. Brought to you by Emby Corporations Inc. If this offends you, you can bang your head against a freakin' brick wall.**

**Thank you.**

Me: Before I begin, I would like to point out that yes, script format isn't exactly smiled upon, but I don't give a rat's butt and if Fanfiction decided to delete my stories… They would be sued. Capeche? But, anyways… WELCOME TO NARUTO: THE SHOW! Special Edition. My name is Emby, and I'll be your host for the remainder of stupid time today.

Sakura: Run… Run while you still can… -sobbing-

Me: -pleasant smile- Here, we make Naruto characters do things they never should be made to do! Like… Eat bacon, Sakura!

Sakura: No! My low-fat diet! Noooooo!

Me: For those young viewers, I would advise you not to diet. It's not worth it. Do you really want to become this… This thing?

Sakura: I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world! It's fantastic, being plastic! Hey Ken, wanna go for a ride?

Ken: No.

Sakura: -wide eyes- I thought what we had was special!

Ken: -grunts and walks off- You thought wrong. I'm leaving you for Fred and Daphne.

Sakura: -gasp!- But… BUT MY HAIR IS PINK!

Ken: -silence-

Me: Haha. I am the Bunny Highest Priestest, and I say that you're officially stupid.

Sakura: -sobbing-

-rest of cast wanders in sullenly-

Me: Ooh, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed today!

Shikamaru: Happy happy joy joy! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY! –bouncing-

Temari: Save me from the fangirls! God, save me from this idiot! Save me!

Me: In case you all didn't know, Temari and Shikamaru are having an affair. –smug grin-

**A/N: While I'm at it, I'd like to explain a concept that'll be used throughout this lovely fanfiction.**

**Naruto and Sasuke, sadly, are lovers. Naruto is also Hinata's lover, who is Neji's lover, who is Gaara's lover, who wants to be Naruto's lover but is instead Choji's lover who is Ino's lover who is Sakura's lover who wants to be Sasuke's lover but is instead Shikamaru's lover who is Temari's lover who is also Ino's lover who is raping Naruto who is also raping Akamaru (Yeah, the dog) who is Sasuke's lover who is raping Kakashi. Who is straight but also being raped by Iruka, Gai, and Jiriya who are all lovers of Tsunade who just runs around raping whoever she feels like, i.e. Lee who is also raping Gaara because he wants his eyebrows back, and Gaara's Neji's lover, who is Hinata's cousin who is also **

**I'll explain more later.**

Temari: -rocks back and forth, sobbing- Help… Help me…

Shikamaru: Dee da deed a deed a do do! Dee da dee dee do! Deeda dooda, deeda!

Gaara: I am so angsty and depressed. I cut myself. Tak. I am so angsty and depressed. I am so angsty and depressed.

Lee: -gasp- You took my eyeliner! Give it back!

Gaara: I want my eyebrows. My eyeliner. Get your own box. Leggo my Eggo. My eyeliner. I'm tragically delicious. Give me eyeliner.

Naruto: Sasuke! My love!

Sasuke: I hate you all. I hate the world. I hate my brother. I love you Naruto! –makes out-

Me: I can sense the happiness of all the fangirls…

Fangirls: OMG! OMG! LOOK! THEY'RE KISSING! –some fall over in a dead faint- KODAK MOMENT!

Temari: I want recognition! –makes out with Shikamaru-

Shikamaru: -keeps on dancing to Hamster Dance-

Fangirls: O.O;; That's not as hot as Sasuke and Naruto… BUT IT'S STILL HOT! –camera flashing-

Me: Where has all the rum gone? Why is the rum always gone?

Sakura: You said you didn't drink! Liar!

Me: I don't. But I think I'm going to start…. –looks bleakly around- You would too if you had all the thoughts I think running around in your head.

Sakura: -ignoring, humming Barbie Girl-

Kakashi: -licking Tootsie Pop- Eight hundred and seventy one… Eight hundred and seventy two…

Me: -gasps- It's Kakashi! –pounces-

Kakashi: Eight hundred and seventy eight… Eight hundred and seventy nine… Oh, I lost count. Gotta start over. One. Two.

Me: I want a Death Note. You know, you write people's names in and they keel over dead? I think that'd be pretty funny.

-silence-

Kakashi: Five. Six.

Tsunade: I'm going to rape you! –rapes wall-

Me: That, like, defied gravity. But since I am the almighty authoress/Bunny Highest priestess, I SHALL HAVE A DEATH NOTE!

Kakashi: Eight. Nine. Oops, lost count! Start over again. One. Two.

Me: It will be… A Laugh Note! Yay! –scribbles- Um, okay, let's turn on the Presidental Adress.

-magical t.v. turns on-

Mr. President: I want to tell you all that I love myself, the Vice President, and my wife and kids. The Vice President especially. He was real great when he shot me in the leg and then apologized.

Crowd: -clapping-

Mr. President: My wife's okay, but she's a Hilary Clinton hater and that's not okay. I don't really know my kids, so I can't exactly talk about them. Ooh, ooh! MY SPIDEY SENSES ARE TINGLING!

Crowd: -screaming-

Mr. President: -giggling- The leaders of Iraq and Iran just tried to walk into Target and missed again. –laughing hilariously- Oh, when will they learn!

Crowd: -nervous giggles-

Mr. President: Why aren't you laughing! I said, WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING?! Off with their heads!

Guard: Hup to! Yes sir, yes sir!

Crowd: -silence-

-T.V. flicks off-

Me: This is another example of blind justice. –points at Kakashi-

Kakashi: Just 'cause I have to use Lassy as a seeing eye dog doesn't mean anything. –scowling, gets kissed by Sasuke-

Naruto: Nuu! If we're going to rape Kakashi, it has to be with me!

Fangirls: -freaking out-

Sakura: I want chicken I want liver Meow Mix Meow Mix please deliver!

Me: Oh, I have a cell phone! Verizon. Not Cingular, who raises the bar, but Verizon. Not Vonage, but Verizon. Not Qwest who is also Cingular, but Verizon. VERIZON, YOU HEAR ME?!

Ino: My lip gloss is poppin'.

Akamaru: Woof woof woof! Woof woof woof!

**A/N: Translation: This is why I'm hot! This is why I'm hot!**

Neji: Fergalicious! It's so delicious!

Me: Soulja Boy, in the hole! Watch me crank and watch me roll!

Jiriya: Damn all these beautiful girls! They'll make you suicidal!

Tsunade: Bad boys bad boys! Whatcha gonna do when they come for you!

Me: Okay, this is getting old. –shakes head- That's what happens when you get exposed to rap. It runs around in your head.

Ino: My lip gloss is still poppin'!

Me: Shut up, will you just shut up! –smacks-

Kakashi: Monty Python… -dreamily ignoring Naruto and Sasuke-

Sasuke: I hate you all.

Naruto: -blinking- Crunchatize me, captain?

St. Patty: You can show _me _your lucky charms!

Sakura: Will you show me a position?

St. Patty: I'm Irish, I know _all _positions!

Me: This is so nasty. –shudders-

Hinata: Let me see you one two step!

Me: Really, the song recitation is getting old. At least sing something good. O.o;;

-silence-

-cricket cricket-

Me: Santa Claus is scary. I mean, he sees you when you're sleeping. That counts as creepy. He's a stalker. Scary Scary.

Naruto: C'mmon, Kakashi-sensei, participate!

Me: I'm only thirteen! SHIELD YOUR EYES!

Kakashi: Don't hurt me!

Me: This should be rated higher than teen. O.o;; Because of all the adult references. It was bad enough with Shigure and Ayame, but you all are such… Perverts….

Fangirls: Perverts! Yes! All the way! Take it all off!

Naruto: -stripping-

Me: No! No, no no!

-screen goes black…-

**Yep yep.**

**Chappie one, complete!**

**Can you make it past level two? Well, we'll see, huh?**

**Love y'all. To bits and pieces.**

"**It's Katie!"- Inside joke.**

♥♥♥**- Emby!**

**P.S. May the chainsaws be with you.**

**P.S.S. I am actually the Bunny Highest Priestest. Love to the bunny worshippers!**

**P.S.S.S. If you want to thank anyone for making me write again, it was the people who said I was their idol, which made me feel all special and stuff. It was awesome. Yay! Hersheys and hugs! ♥♥♥♣**


	2. You're Emo

'**Sup, my homies?**

**Okay, yeah, I know, gangsta just ain't workin' for me. But we already covered this. No need to go over it again, ne?**

**Well, here's your dose of stupid for the day.**

**We hope that you enjoy our service and return to this establishment again!**

Me: emc squared.

Naruto: Hehe! You can't even make the little squared sign on your keyboard! I PWN YOU ALL! I WILL BE THE MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE!

Me: I bet you don't even know what it stands for!

Naruto: -silence-

Me: See? You're an idiot.

Naruto: Well, well, I bet you don't know what it stands for either!

Me: -smug- Actually, I do. ElvisMichaelJacksonxChainmail. All in a pretty square package.

Naruto: I see… -randomly makes out with Sasuke-

Me: This is not cool. I mean, while we're at it, why not pay homage to every single fan pairing that's been made? –sarcastically- Let's see what happens when you put Sakura and Kakashi in a closed room, hmm? With a camera. And they're chained to a wall. And there's a saw. –grins-

(Camera Feed #1)

Sakura: OHMYGAWD! WE'RE ON MTV CRIBS!

Kakashi: You're stupid.

Sakura: My stupid what?

Kakashi: -sweatdrops-

RandomMechanicalVoice (RMV): -wild coughing- Aside… Aside from the fact I just choked on a grape, you were all put in here FOR A REASON.

-GASP!-

Sakura: But there's only me and Tinkerbell in here! What are you talking about?!

Kakashi: I am not Tinkerbell, damnit!

**A/N: Oh, this is weird. I keep on wanting to spell Tinkerbell as 'Tinkerball'. I don't know why.**

**It just happens.**

RMV: You are not alone in the dark! THERE ARE OTHERS CHAINED TO THE WALLS! Dun dun duuuun!

**A/N: It just occurred to me that RMV could stand for Random Movie Violence.**

Peter Pan: -angrily stalks in and grabs Kakashi- HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP CHEATING ON ME WITH OTHER MEN?!

Sakura: Pete-chan, I'm over here.

Peter Pan: Oh. –drops- WELL, ANSWER ME! –grabs random person-

Gaara: COOOOOOKIE CRISPS?!

Peter Pan: Wrong person! Damn! Where's Neji-sama?

Sakura: You… You're cheating on me? With another guy?! –starts sobbing-

Peter Pan: You're stupid.

Sakura: THAT'S NOT THE POINT!

RMV: Um, yeah, if you were paying attention to me you'd be able to figure out how to get out of this predicament!

Everyone: -shuts up-

RMV: You have a random amount of time to escape from this pitch black room! There is one rusty saw in the eastern corner, and you are all chained to the wall. –cough cough- Your chakra has been drained.

Me: Doooom. Look. All the chakra gone. Doooom. Just like in that one Naruto movie. Doooooom.

Peter Pan: Shut up, will you just shut up!

Me: -grins- I've got a maaaagical pony, I've got a maaaaagical pony, I've got a maaaagical ponyyyyyy….!

Peter Pan: -banging head against wall-

RMV: x.x Just cut off your ankle!

-screen goes blank-

Me: Well, there's fan homage number one… Sakura Kakashi… I s'ppose we could move on to the next one….

-beeping-

Gaara: What the hell?

Inuyasha: Damn closed rooms! I get all schizo and stuff in closed rooms! Open a door!

Gaara: Yo, homedog, don't you mean, like, claustrophobic?

Inuyahsa: No, voices talk to me! And they're telling me to do unspeakable things to the scary little emo clown in the corner with no eyebrows! I don't wanna do those things to a lifeless doll!

Gaara: -ah hem-

Inuyasha: THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT ONE HORROR FILM! –screams-

Gaara: I am not a clown, damn it!

Inuyasha: Eeek! Yes, it is like that horror film! No, no, it's like that radio show that they have on 24/7!

Gaara: -.-

Inuyasha: WHAT WAS IT CALLED?! Oh. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. That was it. –calms down-

Gaara: -coughs- So, um, what are the voices telling you to do?

Inuyasha: Well, they're suggesting…. –stops, listens- Take that back. Now I have to mangle your body until you can't tell who you are.

Gaara: O.O WHY, DAMNIT?! I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY EYEBROWS! –sobs- I NEED MY EYEBROWS! CHEESE POTATEOS! INHALERS!

Inuyasha: I obey all commands!

-screen goes black-

Me: Yeah, yeah, I know you all love fan homages… -bored- But I dun feel like watching those anymore. They're kinda scary, if you know what I mean. –winkwinknudgenudge-

-silence-

Me: Oh, gosh, I'm making tea, and it's vanilla flavored, and it smells good enough to die for. –moans- Hurry up and seep and crap!

Kakashi: You're stupid.

Me: Is that all you can say?!

Gaara: I am emo. Love me. I was abused as a child. I hate you all. Don't come near me. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. I hate you. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.

Sakura: HE WANTS ME TO DIE! HE WANTS ME TO DIE! I… I THINK I'M GONNA DIE! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! NO! NO!

Kakashi: You're stupid.

Gai: THE FALL OF OLD AGE IS UPON US! WE MUST LIVE OUR LIVES TO THE FULLEST, I.E. WITH YOUNG GIRLS!

Me: Censored! Censored!

Lee: -drools-

Me: Put on some clothes!

Deidara: I'll make you all 'splode. Like a baaaaamb.

-utter and complete silence. no crickets. no clowns.-

Deidara: 'Splode 'splode 'splode!

**A/N: To the tune of: Zoom zoom zoom!**

Me: o.o; You know, I really hate car commercials.

Naruto: -too busy making out with the wall-

Sasuke: O.O I'm over here, dumbass.

Deidara: I'll blow you all up! Up up up!

Sakura: You're not allowed to comment on author's notes!

Me: Am too! I AM THE AUTHOR, YOU IDIOT!

Gaara: Diiiiie.

Me: But I dun like them. I have to look away everytime I see them. They bother me. Because… Because….

Gaara: Emmmmoooo must kiiiiilllll.

Me: THE CARS HAVE NO LICENSE PLATES. –gasp-

Gaara: Whhhhyyyy wooon't yoooouuuu diiiiiieeeeeee.

Me: And they kind of remind me of that nasty soda that you all know I hate if you know anything.

Kakashi: You're stupid.

Gaara: I waaaaant yoooouu allllll tooooo dieeeeeee. And then I wannnttt toooo dieeeeee.

Kakashi: You're stupid.

Me: You're emo. That's my catchphrase, now. Yeah. Pwn that!

-echo: pwn…. that….-

**Yeah, I finally updated, thank God.**

**But, I HAVE AN EXCUSE.**

**That you don't wanna hear, so you don't get to hear it.**

**Next chapter will be longer, I promise! At least ten double spaced pages! Yeah!**


	3. Yes

**Hehe**

**I bet you all forgot who the heck I am.**

**I am ****Emby****comedian extraordinaire. I disappeared from the face of the planet due to extraordinary ****reasons, that**** mere foolish mortals are not allowed to ****access**

**Back off, stalker-****chans****;3**

**I have undergone changes! I AM NOW FUNNIER, AND MY PACKAGING COMES WITH A VITAMEN C SUPPLEMENT! XDD**

**So, ****heh****, yeah, I now present the long anticipated chapter 3 of ****Narutard**

**DISCLAIMER: O.O NONE OF YOU FOOLS ****OWN**** ME!**** But, ****ehe****gotta**** love those wizard swears.**

**---**

Deidara: Am I a man or a woman? First to answer right gets a cookie licked by Oro-sama!

Fan Girls: -silence-

Deidara: Oh, c'mmon, it has chocolately goodness!

Naruto: Shemale! ATKATSUKI! DIIIEEEE! YOU STOLE MY LOVER! DIEEE!

Deidara: Want your cookie now or lat-? -gets mauled-

Naruto: I WANT MY LOVER BACK. GIVE HIM BACK BEFORE I MAUL YOU!

Sasuke: I HATE YOU ALL. :[ BURN IN HELL.

Emby: This is supposed to be rated Teen. Stop swearing.

Sasuke: YOUR MOTHER IS A F[bleep[bleep[bleepING [bleep LOREM IPSUM [bleep[bleep[bleep ADMITEM VENIUM[bleep[bleep[bleep[bleep TRAGUNA [bleep[bleep[bleep[bleep[bleep[bleep HIPPOPOTAMUS [bleep[bleep[bleep[bleep[bleep REPUBLICAN [bleep[bleepING THRID HOKAGE[bleep[bleep[bleep[bleep WITH A BUCKET OF R [bleep[bleep[bleep[bleepIN A VILLAGE FAR AWAY WHERE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU [bleep[bleep[bleep[bleep[bleep[bleep SOUP[bleep[bleep[bleep[bleep WITH A BUCKET OF [bleep[bleep MICKEY MOUSE[bleep[bleep AND A STICK OF DYNAMITE[bleeeeee-eeee-eee-eeeeee-eeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeee-eeeeep MAGICAL [bleep[bleep[bleeee-eeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeeee—eeee-eee-eeeee-eeeeee-ep ALAKAZAM!

**A/N: Kudos to those of you who actually go onto ****Youtube**** and look up Wizard Swears and watch the entire thing. :) **

Naruto: …I love it when you talk dirty!

Oro-sama: IT'S SO EROTIC. JUST LIKE SNAKE RAPE.

Itachi: Tentacle rape. 3 I want to do that to my little brother.

Me: FANFICTIONS POISON THE MIND. . DON'T RAPE PEOPLE!

Hinata: …I… I want to rape Naruto… -blushing madly-

Neji: I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!

Hinata: Get your grubby hands away from my Naruto, you foolish lower being!

Neji: But… Hina-chan! WHAT ABOUT LAST NIGHT?

Hinata: Huh?

Neji: We… We! I'M PREGNANT WITH YOUR CHILD!

**-****gasp****-**

Fan Girls: -rabid screech-

Hinata: Neji! I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON BIRTH CONTROL?!

Neji: YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE, FOOLISH WOMAN!

Hinata: Liar! I WASN'T EVEN DRINKING SAKE WITH YOU LAST NIGHT!

Neji: THEN WHO WAS?

Hinata: IT WAS REALLY…. SHIKARMARU!

**A/N: Just like a soap opera. 3**

Shikamaru: Whaaaaa?

Neji: NOOO! I'M PREGNANT WITH THE MENTALLY RETARDED GUY'S CHILD?!

Me: Well, look at the bright side. At least you aren't pregnant with some dead guy's child. ;3

Haku: -grumbles- I resent that.

Naruto: RAPE! I WAS RAPED BY THAT GUY!

Me: Oh yeah, just so you all know, I'm fourteen now. ;3 I can legally get married in most third world countries!

Kakashi: Yes.

Me: IT'S NOT A GOOD THING. X(

Kakashi: Yes.

Gaara: Die freaks of nature!

Rock Lee: WE MUST LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST!

Gaara: Hey there lover! DIIEEEEE!

Rock Lee: I WANT MY MASCARA BACK. GIVE IT TO ME.

Gaara: EYEBROWS!

Me: And so the saga continues!

Kakashi: Yes.

Me: …Y'know, even though I have a lack of readers, I promised this one would be ten pages long… AND I'M ONLY ON THE THIRD PAGE. O.O;;

Kakashi: Yes.

Shikamaru: I'm a little teapot!

Ino: You can be my little teapot. –smirks-

Random Person: COME NOW AND BUY THE ALL NEW IPOD SET! COMES WITH IPOD AND OTHER STUFF! FOR A LIMITED TIME ON EBAY!

Kakashi: Yes.

Me: We should have karaoke. But, ehe, wait half an hour, okay? I gotta go sand my box for shop class real quick. ;3

-silence-

Sasuke: THIS SUCKS OROCHIMARU'S ASS!

Naruto: -sobs- I AM LONELY.

Me: Armed with foodies, I RETURN. ;#

-cricketcricket-

Me: -scowls- I thought we discussed this cricket thing… It gives me shivers. I mean. Yeah.

Shikamaru: ;D Can we eat cake yet?

Kakashi: Yes.

Me: It seriously occurs to me that we all suck.

Kakashi: Oh hell yes.

Puppy: -bounds in, glomps…..-

Gaara: PUPPY! 3

Sasuke: Get yer own puppy, freak! He's mine!

Naruto: No! HE GLOMPED ME FIRST!

**A/N: Okay, guys, technically the chapter has… -checks watch- A few more minutes of stupidity left, but I'm stopping it for now.**

**Because I can.**

**And I'm leaving you a cliff hanger for the puppy.**

**…Just so you know, I do still exist.**

**But it's getting harder and harder to write these things, honestly.**

**I'll keep on trying, but maybe I'll get some serious output here. ****;3**

**DESIREPASSION, GET YER BUTT ON. XD WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS TOGETHER.**

**Not.**

**Anyways.**

**Thanks for the support!**

**-Emby**


End file.
